Life

This is me. Well actually, it is Kim Kardashian, but I feel the same way. With less money and nobody to cook, clean, nanny, no personal trainer, pump my butt full of injections, and do my hair and makeup for me. So I guess I am not similar to Kimmy after all.

It's more like: Me trying to juggle being a Mom, read to my kids because this is the most important need they have apparently, go on their field trips, do fun crap with them, stop yelling and maintain a peaceful home environment so that they do not become serial killers, keep my kids healthy, go to the bathroom without an audience, work full-time because I got bills, take two courses a semester (four this summer!) to further my education and career opportunities, be "involved" at work, volunteer, pay da bills, save three months salary, have no debt, cook healthy meals, keep a clean house, get 10,000 steps a day, drink 80 oz of water, stop being fat, exercise, get enough sleep, maintain a couple of friendships, and still have time to be a good wife who is desired by my husband so that we don't get divorced when our wonderful kids fly the coop.

I am doing great at all of that. In my head. Well, not even there actually. In my head, I am probably doing worse than I really am in real life. I just get overwhelmed frequently. I try to have everything the way I feel it should be and it's not always realistic. I am back to work today after a nice week off and a two week break from schoolwork. I enjoyed a great vacation in Arkansas with my hubby and kids. It was peaceful, gorgeous weather, and nice to get away. We even did all of the laundry and emptied the suitcases. Now it is back to life.

My 2nd course of the spring semester begins today. The "syllabus" (really it's just a mini summary of the assignments due) is overwhelming me. We have four assignments due every week and two bigger assignments due at the end of the semester. It's only an 8 week course so it is a lot of work in a short time frame. I am used to having 1-2 assignments (papers) due every week in the other three courses that I have completed. I did well in all of those and they were a lot of work. This class seems like even MORE work. I will do my best, of course, but I am already overwhelmed and we do not even have the first assignment or reading material yet. Work is starting to get busier with registration for summer and students freaking out about financial aid for the upcoming year. Plus, my job duties have changed so I am about to have to drive to Stephenville more often for various training. The spring is busy for us with dance because it is competition season. So, we spend Wednesday-Friday at dance then we are either at practice, rehearsal, or competitions on Saturdays/Sundays through the first weekend of May. That takes a lot of time away from my assignments.

I have been part of a "Mommy group" since I was pregnant with Brynlee so I know that my feelings are not unique, as a lot of them struggle with the same type of balance. It helps to have them to lean on when I am stressed, pissed off, or just need some laughs. But I think, as women, we will always feel that nobody truly relates to your individual situation.

Sometimes it just helps to talk it out or write it down and move on. So, let me just pretend that Kimmy does really have the same struggles as me.

When Are You Due?

"When are you due?" The question that "non-pregnant, just fat" women hate to hear. This question is awful. It is so embarrassing to not only be asked this question, but to have to answer this question without making the other person feel bad. "I'm not pregnant...just fat" is typically my go-to answer. Doesn't make the situation any less awkward, but it's the best that I can come up with in the moment.

I have heard this question for a good 15 years including the years when I was not even overweight. I, unfortunately, carry almost all of my weight in my middle area--the worst of all. I was a skinny kid, but started to notice tummy gain around the 6th grade. I stayed thin and any weight I gained would go straight to my tummy. I have a picture of me at my birthday party in 6th grade. It was a swimming party so I was obviously in a swim suit. You can tell just how embarrassed I was of my very small pooch by the way I am covering my stomach in the picture. I still remember that I didn't even want to take that picture, but being a good Mom--my mom wanted pictures of me and my friends celebrating. I played softball in high school and worked out a lot. It didn't matter that I worked out 5-6 days a week, pretty hard. It didn't matter that I ran, lifted weights, and did the "AB RIPPER" (yes, it was awful). It didn't matter that I rarely ever drank sodas, how little I ate, or even if I skipped meals. The weight in my belly was always there. Bothering me.

At the end of my sophomore year, my family moved to another city. Not many people, if any, know the story I am about to share. It is one of the most embarrassing experiences I have had thus far. During my junior year of high school, I signed up to try out for PALS (Peer Assistance and Leadership) to mentor younger girls. I went through everything required to try out. Then I was told that I wasn't selected. I was surprised and disappointed. The PALS Sponsor approached me about it. She said that I wasn't selected because there was a rumor that I was pregnant, which would not be a good role model for younger girls. I immediately started crying because I was not pregnant. After clearing up this awful situation, I was accepted as a PAL. What makes it even more embarrassing is that I had no idea who or how many of the senior PALS thought I was pregnant. Obviously it was discussed since that is the reason I was initially not accepted. I am glad that I never knew who or how many people talked about this, but it made me initially very nervous to participate in all of the PALS activities. Luckily, no one ever said anything else to me about it.

During my freshman year of college, I worked hard to keep the weight off and feared the "freshman 15". I lived on campus, right across from the rec center. Both of my roommates that year were also in to working out so I gained minimal weight. I also walked around campus that year (Texas Tech is huge) without riding the bus so I remained active. During my sophomore year, I lived off campus, went through some stressful things, was full-time in school, and waiting tables at a delicious Mexican food restaurant. I also started drinking more...and a lot. That year is when I started to yo-yo with gaining and losing.

I don't know how many times after college that I have been asked the "when are you due?" question. I've been asked at grocery stores, while shopping for clothes (which sucks anyway), and at work by co-workers. When I was pregnant with Brynlee, I did not go out of my way to tell co-workers at the school. I was not close to any of them anyway. When I was 7th months pregnant, a teacher said that she heard rumors that I was pregnant. I said that I am and she had the nerve to say that I do not look pregnant and she just thought that I had gained weight. Thank you. 

I cannot count every time I have been asked this question, but I can remember the majority of the conversations and I can completely remember the feelings. I was just asked this question the other day by a colleague. I then had to deal with the embarrassment on HER face when I should have been more worried about myself.

Earlier this summer, I was doing very well with eating and increasing activity. I even lost weight (not fast enough!). Then work got BUSY. Financial Aid starts to get busy around June and doesn't let up until October. Then it starts to get busy again in November with Spring registration. I was swamped and exhausted. I accidentally slipped back into old habits. Skipping meals because I was just too busy, overeating to deal with stress, easy/quick unhealthy meals or fast food, and just feeling too exhausted for much of anything. I obviously started to gain back some of the weight I lost in the early part of the summer.

I don't even really want to talk about how a fat woman can't go to the doctor without her weight being the central focus of the visit. I had to see my doctor in September because I had strep throat. Lady, treat me for step. Sure, she did that. But she also had to point out how much weight I had gained since my 2/2016 Wellness Check. Thank you for reminding me as if most fat women don't weight themselves frequently enough to notice the gain. Geez. When I saw her again for my wellness check this last weekend, it was again the topic of discussion. I tell her how I am not sleeping well at all. I am exhausted. I am drained. She asks me if I am exercising. No, not really. I feel crappy and between work, school, and kids--I feel like I have little time for myself. She tells me to exercise and eat less. Okay, thanks Captain Obvious. Then tells me that she wants me to lose 20-25 lbs by my wellness check next year. Okay, I'll do my best, thanks.

With a history of gestational diabetes (twice) and a family history of Type 2 diabetes, I am very high risk. I had some lab work done recently and luckily, I still do not have diabetes, but I am in the high risk zone. I am still waiting for some other test results to hopefully help answer some questions, but I have to get rid of THIS. I have to drastically decrease my chances of developing such a horrible disease. I want to live long!

I am not sharing this to make anyone feel sorry for me. I am primarily documenting this for two reasons: 1.) Help myself realize how important my health is and how these comments make me feel and 2.) To encourage people to only ask a woman when she is due or what she is having if you know 200% that she is pregnant. Some ways you may know if a woman is pregnant...
*She says she is pregnant

*She talks about her due date

*She talks about pregnancy or baby stuff

Other than that, don't ask her. It is extremely hurtful.

I am down 7 lbs from my highest weight ever so that is more motivating than if I were to re-start at a higher weight. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. It is easier with a support system that I don't really have, but I am in this for myself and my kids.