Heavy heart

I've always been an emotional, sensitive person. I think becoming a Mom has made me even more sensitive especially to bad things happening to children. When I saw the news about the Sandy Hook Elementary shooting in December 2012, I was at work. I was working on case files so I was at my desk, in front of the computer, and I often play the news in the background while I work. After hearing and reading what was going on, I lost it. I sat at my desk and just cried. I felt sick to my stomach. I didn't get any work done for the rest of the day. I just cried, read and watched the news, and cried more. I couldn't begin to imagine the pain those parents were going through. Since I worked in a school, it hit home twice. As educators, we are all aware of the fact that it could happen at our schools. We practice our school intruder safety drills just as we practice fire and tornado drills. It's become the "norm". My sister is a teacher. Most of her students are crazy about her, but there's always one or two that just don't like you. So the Sandy Hook shooting made me cry thinking about someone coming into her classroom with a weapon and a mission to take her down. An angry student, an angry parent. Situations in which the shooter commits suicide are even harder to understand. These types of tragedies leave so many unanswered questions. WHY? Why did he choose that elementary school? Why did he shoot children and teachers that he probably had never even met? WHY would you take the coward's way out? I wanted the parents to be able to ask him why he did this? What was going through your head at that moment?

Yesterday, there was a massive EF4 tornado that destroyed two elementary schools in Moore, Oklahoma. So far, 7 children have been listed as dead. During the chaos, there were many children taken to hospitals and churches who did not know where their parents were. I cannot imagine being the parent of those children. I think humans TRY to think positive during disaster, but it's much easier to go straight to the negative. I know I would probably automatically think my child was dead. I would be holding out on hope that she was alive, but with each passing minute, I would think she was dead. So I can't imagine the pain and then joy those parents experienced while searching for their children, thinking they are dead, only to finally find them alive. Tragedies like these are so sad and bittersweet. It'd be so wonderful to know your child is alive, but so devastating to know they lost friends, teachers, people they know. Natural disasters are easier to understand because we know they happen and there's nothing that we can do about them. We can do our very best to prepare for them such as getting to a safer place and knowing what to do when a disaster happens, but I think we all think there's a slim chance it will actually happen to us. It makes me so sad because I know those teachers did everything they could possibly do to keep those students safe. They practiced tornado drills, they moved those kids to the designated safe area, and I know they protected those kids. But who can compete with a tornado?

I just can't imagine what happens next. I would have no idea what to do if my house was completely gone or I lost my child. Where do you turn? What do you do? I feel like I would be so lost. I know there's LOTS of people in this world turning to Oklahoma, just as they did to West, TX, to offer help. But how do you rebuild your life? I don't know how I would move on without my child. I know you HAVE to, especially if you have other children, but HOW? Last night, I was thinking how horrible it would be to have more than one child go to the same elementary school and to lose one child, but have the other one survive. Hopefully that did not happen to any of those parents. How do you explain to your elementary aged child that he/she lost friends? Teachers? Your home? How do you explain why a child in his/her class died, but your child survived? How do you say, "Well, you got lucky kiddo."

I haven't had to explain death to Brynlee yet and I hope I don't have to for a very long time. We did lose Roscoe and will have to explain to her what happened to him someday when she is older. She points at his pictures and knows he is our puppy, but she doesn't realize that he is gone. I know someday she will look at pictures and probably ask about him. Then I will explain to her.

I have such a heavy heart today as I pray for hope, peace, and help for the people of Oklahoma. Unfortunately, this is tornado season and I just feel everything has just begun.

Challenge FAIL

I haven't updated much lately because I feel like I don't have much to update about. I don't have many "followers" or readers anyway, but I still don't want to be boring!

I do have to say that the 24 Day Challenge SUCKS and other than the Spark, it was a waste of money. I am glad that I did not pay full price for it. Days 1-10 weren't all that bad. Yeah, the fiber drink was super gross the first few days, but it's not HORRIBLE with 8 oz of OJ. Days 11-24 are horrendous. I would be on Day 18 right now. I followed the "plan" for Days 11-13 and part of Day 14 and then said, "Screw this!" There are SO MANY pills to take. There's 15 pills to take a day, but you take them at different times. You take 5 in the morning 30 minutes before breakfast then you take 4 more with either breakfast or lunch. Then you take 4 more 30 minutes before lunch and then you take 2 with dinner. It's ridiculous. Besides, I am not one who says, "Okay, I am going to have lunch in 30 minutes..." So it was hard for me to remember the pills. I would end up having lunch at like 1:30 or later since I would forget to take the pills 30 minutes before lunch.

For breakfast during Days 11-24, you're supposed to drink the Advocare meal replacement shakes. I bought vanilla because I like vanilla. I've never had a vanilla shake (Slimfast, Special K, Atkins, etc) that I did not like...until Advocare. On Day 11, I took a drink and immediately almost threw up. It's a shake that you mix with water so I did that, but put it in the fridge so it'd be cold. Uh, bad idea. It was so thick and the flavor is disgusting. So I tried to take another sip and had to run to the sink to spit it out. So some friends suggested using a blender and adding LOTS of ice and fruit. So on Day 12, I did that plus I added chocolate whey protein. Even with all of the strawberries and chocolate added, I still could not get through the nasty vanilla taste or the texture. It even smelled gross. So I ended up trashing that shake, too. I didn't even attempt to mix the shake on Days 13 or 14. Instead, I bought Special K shakes...which I like...and have been having those for breakfast.

I have not weighed myself and don't plan to until next week. I haven't checked my measurements since Day 1 so I am not sure if I have lost any inches or not. I do like the Spark and Joey and I purchased some. I wish that all of the people I asked about the Challenge would have told me how many pills there are and how often you take them. Not a single person mentioned that. So I am being honest here and telling you that if you're not a big fan of taking pills (especially that many) then you probably won't like the challenge max phase. I am still almost completely following the plan, minus the pills and shakes. I am still eating healthy for breakfast and lunch. I have been making healthy dinners, but I have been eating the rice or potatoes when I shouldn't be. But yeah, so I am not going to be one of those people who says they lost 25 lbs in 24 days.

I have been making some DELICIOUS dinners. I like to try new recipes, but I always assume that my recipe doesn't taste anything like it is supposed to, lol. Last night, I made Caribbean Jerk Pork in the crockpot. I served it with rice. It was delicious. Everyone said it was really good, but it was a lot of work. Tuesday night, I made Chicken Verde and also served that with rice. It was a super easy recipe. Both are from Skinnytaste.com.

The weather is nice and breezy here since we had major storms and tornadoes last night. That was pretty scary. It's pretty gloomy outside, but I think that is the perfect running weather. I love it to be breezy instead of scorching hot outside. I could load Brynlee in the jogging stroller, but I really just want to go run by myself. It is stress release for me. It is fun. I don't have to worry about anyone except for myself. That is nice. I am a Mom 24/7. It is nice to take a step away and just do something for me. The only problem with that is I never want to run after dinner. Well, I WANT to, but don't. I need to make time for myself every day, but it is hard. Joey has said that I get a "break every day all day". I guess he thinks I just have fun all day long since I still don't have a job.

Anyway, I don't have much else to update on so I am about to get ready for the day.

Crazy, I went!

I skipped Day 10 of the Challenge yesterday. Let me back up and tell you why...

Joey came home on Tuesday around 7pm and said he was in a lot of pain in his man business area. He could barely walk, didn't want to eat dinner, and went to bed as soon as he got home. He woke up later that evening, maybe around 10pm or so, and said he still didn't feel very well. The last time this happened was when Brynlee accidentally kicked him in the balls. But this time is much worse. He went back to bed and woke me up at 2am demanding Ibuprofen. We didn't have any, but I had Hydrocodone left over from getting my wisdom teeth removed (I am not a very good strong pill taker). So he took one of those and tried to go back to bed. He woke me up 15 minutes later, sweating, and in tons of pain. He said he needed to go to the ER. So off we went. We were there until 6am. He had an ultrasound and turns out he has epididymitis. It's where the epididymitis (in his scrotum) has an infection. There's lots of fluid and two cysts. So they gave him antibiotics and pain medicine. They told him to take this week off from work and rest. So he spent all day yesterday in bed and I am sure he will be in bed all day today and tomorrow. No disc golf, no excessive walking (not that he can anyway),  and must take it easy. He doesn't want to/feel like eating either. I guess we can't go to the zoo or Six Flags for Mother's Day, haha! So we got home at 6am and I went back to bed. I had a hard time falling asleep. Brynlee woke up at 7:15am. So I got less than an hour of sleep. She took a nap at 2pm so I took a nap, too.

I just DID NOT feel like dealing with everything that goes along with the challenge. I did not want to take the meals and Spark then wait 30 minutes and have the fiber drink then wait another 30 minutes and have breakfast (with more pills). I just didn't feel like it. I didn't feel like doing anything. I did have to go to Wal-Mart to get Joey's prescriptions ($111 later). So I ended up getting CRAP that 1.) I never get and 2.) Definitely can't have on the challenge. I got POWDERED DONUTS! What the...
Then of course Brynlee always wants pizza so I got a Wal-Mart pizza for us. What is wrong with me?? Just because I was not taking all over the challenge "stuff" doesn't mean I need to go crazy. But crazy, I went.

I've been drinking water all day every day minus the night of my birthday when I had sweet tea with dinner. But yesterday? Two diet cokes. I normally don't even buy diet coke or keep it in the house, but my SIL had some so I helped myself. I didn't go crazy for dinner though. I made Skinnytaste Chicken Ropa Vieja and I had one helping with a single serving of brown rice. So I didn't go crazy, but guess what I had for desert? POWDERED DONUTS. Sigh. So I am on Day 10 of The Challenge today now. I will not be surprised if I only lose 2 lbs during this entire 24 Day Challenge. But I do feel that it is getting me back on track. Moving on...

I am about to get ready to head to Bowie (my hometown) today. I wish it was for a good reason, but it's not. We lost a good friend last week so I am going "home" for his funeral. He died in a tragic accident and has left behind so many people who love and care for him. He left behind parents, siblings, a fiancé, and numerous friends. This guy was the type of guy who could make you laugh no matter what kind of mood you were in. He was loved by so many people. I have so many good memories with him and about him. I have tons of pictures of him and with him, but they are all in a box in storage. Tyrell Howard was a great guy. To know him, you loved him.

Have a great day, friends. Hug the ones you love!

What a great weekend!

Yesterday was my birthday so my mom planned a BBQ party at the park to celebrate my birthday, my step-dad, and step-brother's birthdays. It was a lot of fun. I didn't stick to the Challenge rules though. I skipped breakfast and had a latte (big no no), had my mom's tortilla rollups and potato salad (another big no no), and I had 2 cupcakes (HELLO, it was my birthday!). I did have grilled chicken and veggies for lunch though. I had Mexican food (Rosa's) for dinner and did not stick to any of the rules, including drinking sweet tea, oops! The birthday party was tons of fun. Joey's Dad came down for the party as well. That was very nice. I didn't even know he was coming until the morning of the party. Joey forgets to tell me things! We played games, hung out, and had good food. I even got presents. :) I got a Texas Tech ring, Texas Tech Toms, a Texas Tech watch, gift cards, perfume, a 90 minute massage from my Mama, and some running gear from Academy (my favorite store). Joey got me an iPhone 5, but he gave it to me on Friday. I guess he was just too excited, lol. He said it is also my Mother's Day present. The party was so much fun. I am so happy my mom planned the party for us!

My TTU birthday cake!

Today is Day 8 of the Challenge and that means I am back to the fiber drink for the next 3 days. *gag* It was easy today though so I guess I am used to it now. I thought it would be disgusting after a 4 day break. I did weigh myself on Day 4 or 5 and was down 2.6 lbs. I've been exercising, I have energy, and overall I am feeling pretty good! People have asked me if my craving for carbs has gone down. I don't really crave carbs. I enjoy the crap out of them though. I am just trying to get away from eating SO many carbs for dinner. We eat a lot of pasta, rice, and potatoes. I love Mexican food and my guilty pleasure is chips and salsa. I usually don't have that in the house though. I am trying to eat more lean meat and veggies for dinner, but I know that Joey will not survive on just meat and veggies every.single.night. For example, tonight I am making the Skinnytaste Garlic Lime Pork Chops I posted about recently. With it, I am making Broccoli and Cheese Twice Baked Potatoes and Butter and Herb Pasta. I only bought 3 baked potatoes for Joey, Kyle, and Paige. I am not having one. I am also skipping the pasta and having veggies of some sort. I do not plan to pass on pasta, rice, and potatoes forever. I am just trying to get my body used to not relying on carbs to be the main dish of every meal.

I am proud to say that I started running again last week. I have been just walking with Brynlee in the jogging stroller. I thought it would take me a while to get back to running, but I think that was just my mind not being confident and maybe being a little lazy. I've been walking for at least 3 miles or walking for an hour. Last Thursday, I decided that I was going to start the Couch to 5K to ease back into running. Thursday was very cold for this time of year. It was in the 40s all day. I bundled Brynlee up including a warm hat, mittens, and a blanket. SHE WOULD NOT KEEP IT ALL ON! It was making me so aggravated. I was all bundled up and totally pumped to run Week 1 Day 1 of C25K. Annnnnd we were outside for 13 minutes. It was something like 0.80 miles. I kept having to stop to cover her back up, put her hat back on, and put her mittens on. It was so frustrating. I know she was cold so I went ahead and took her back inside. I was so annoyed and had tons of energy to burn!

My sis-in-law, Paige, is off on Fridays so I asked her to watch Brynlee so I could go for a run in the morning. I had to get my chilly weather gear on and I headed out. At first, I doubted that I'd be able to follow the Week 1 Day 1 exactly how you're supposed to, but I did it. :) It starts out with a 5 minute brisk walk and then alternates jogging 60 seconds and walking 90 seconds for 20 minutes. Then you finish with a 5 minute cool down walk. During the last 5 minutes, I just continued to alternate jogging and walking. It was nice. I felt great and very proud of myself.

On Saturday, I went to the NAMI Walk with my mom and David (step-dad). It was supposed to be a 5k walk through Dallas Fair Park. I had my Garmin on and when we finished, it was only 1.9 miles! My mom asked one of her friends, who was volunteering, and she said that 2 things happened: 1.) They had to slightly shorten/change the route map this year because another event was going on at the Park grounds and 2.) Part of the group skipped an entire turn! So we ended up doing 1.2 miles too short. I was a bit disappointed, but it turned out to be more of just a leisurely walk than a good workout. My Garmin said I only burned 172 calories during 38 minutes of walking. It's okay. A LOT of people showed up to support NAMI and that is what is important!

Today I am back to following the Challenge as I am supposed to. I did not have near enough water on Saturday or Sunday so I am back to using my hospital jug to get the water in! Water is so very important for our bodies and honestly, I wish I would not have given in and had sweet tea Saturday night and Sunday night. But I think this is important to remember...

How was your weekend?

Challenge Update and Recipes

Day 2 (yesterday) of the 24 Day Challenge sucked.

I read that the first 3 days are the hardest because your body is so used to having more (bad) carbs. Day 1 was easy, but I was SO drained yesterday. My Spark helped me in the morning, but I was exhausted by 1pm. I did get up and go for a work out around 10am, but it was rough. I took Brynlee to the hospital down the highway from us so that we could have a change of scenery. They have a very nice path to use. There were a few people on the path running and walking. The path is a little bit over 1 mile so I planned to do it 3 times. Once we got almost back to the beginning, Brynlee saw the (crappy) play area. She started acting crazy and wanting to go play there. She was trying to get out of the stroller, hollering, and kept saying, "Mommy!!! SLIIIIIDE!!!" I had already planned to take her to the park after we worked out, but she would not/could not wait. So I put her in the car and we went to the other park. I was so mad that we only did 1 mile. I decided to "trick" her and park away from the playground. Then I got the jogging stroller back out, loaded her up, and off we went. I got another mile in and then we played at the playground. She was happy after that. The view is so pretty at this park.

 

 

My sis-in-law, Brynlee, and I went to Sweet Tomatoes (salad bar place) for lunch yesterday and it was delicious. I had a huge salad. By the time we got home, it was about 2pm. I put Brynlee down for a nap around 3pm. After cuddling with her in the bed, I felt even more tired. I ended up taking a 2 hour nap! She slept for over 3 hours so I guess the park wore her out. I woke up from the nap and still felt drained. I felt so exhausted. It was kind of like I had been awake crying all night. That exhausts a person! I had absolutely no energy.

Day 3 of the challenge has been better than yesterday. The fiber drink was a tad better yesterday and today it didn't bother me at all. BUT that does not mean that I am excited to keep drinking it, lol. I am happy to get a 4 day break from that crap. I did wake up feeling extremely exhausted again though. Once I drank my Spark, I did feel better. I spent the morning searching for healthy, Challenge friendly recipes to make for dinner that will also keep the other 3 adults in this house happy. I am making Baked Chicken Parmesan from Skinnytaste for dinner tonight. I've made this before for me and Joey so I hope Kyle and Paige like it. I am not going to have pasta or garlic bread, but a big ole side of steamed broccoli (which I LOVE). I am going to make a few other recipes from Skinnytaste as well. I am making these Garlic Lime Pork Chops, but I have to skip the cilantro lime rice because my brother doesn't like cilantro. :( I am going to make this Salsa Verde Chicken with lettuce wraps for me and rice for everyone else. I have also made this Chicken Ropa Vieja and added it to the list for next week. I think I am going to make these Broccoli and cheese twice baked potatoes for everyone (except myself). I think they will be good. I like to cook, but am always worried that other people won't like it or that I won't do it right.

I took Brynlee grocery shopping today for everything we need. I got a TON of fruits and veggies and only spent $177. I really thought the bill was going to be outrageous, but that's not bad. That's with all of the meat, diapers, waters, canned goods, milk, breads, etc. My basket was very full! I hate having to unload the car and then put all of the groceries away by myself though. Luckily, Brynlee fell asleep in the car on the way home and stayed asleep when I put her to bed.

Look at all of that good food!

I am a bit tired right now and seriously want to lay down for a nap. Brynlee has been asleep for a little bit over an hour. I am hoping she sleeps for 3 hours today, lol. I guess I need to drink some Spark so I can get stuff done! I haven't worked out yet today. I am hoping that I can go workout WITHOUT THE BABY tonight. I just need some time to myself. I am with her all day long every.single.day since I still haven't found a job. I love my child, but I need Mommy time and I NEVER get it. Joey gets to go play disc golf with his brother, a friend from work, or my brother. He will call me after work and say he is going to go play disc golf. That takes a couple of hours and then he has the 20-30 minute drive home. He gets to go to work every day and be around other adults without our child. I feel like I do everything with her. I can't go to the bathroom without her. I shower with her most evenings. She goes to the store with me. She goes with me to work out. I take her to the park. She sleeps in the room with me. I wake up with her every day. The list just goes on and on...

Just for fun, here's a picture of Brynlee for you...

 

Hahaha! She is not so cute as a Zombie! Chill people, it's just an app called Dead Yourself. We are big Walking Dead fans around here. :)

 

Are you having a good day?