When Are You Due?

"When are you due?" The question that "non-pregnant, just fat" women hate to hear. This question is awful. It is so embarrassing to not only be asked this question, but to have to answer this question without making the other person feel bad. "I'm not pregnant...just fat" is typically my go-to answer. Doesn't make the situation any less awkward, but it's the best that I can come up with in the moment.

I have heard this question for a good 15 years including the years when I was not even overweight. I, unfortunately, carry almost all of my weight in my middle area--the worst of all. I was a skinny kid, but started to notice tummy gain around the 6th grade. I stayed thin and any weight I gained would go straight to my tummy. I have a picture of me at my birthday party in 6th grade. It was a swimming party so I was obviously in a swim suit. You can tell just how embarrassed I was of my very small pooch by the way I am covering my stomach in the picture. I still remember that I didn't even want to take that picture, but being a good Mom--my mom wanted pictures of me and my friends celebrating. I played softball in high school and worked out a lot. It didn't matter that I worked out 5-6 days a week, pretty hard. It didn't matter that I ran, lifted weights, and did the "AB RIPPER" (yes, it was awful). It didn't matter that I rarely ever drank sodas, how little I ate, or even if I skipped meals. The weight in my belly was always there. Bothering me.

At the end of my sophomore year, my family moved to another city. Not many people, if any, know the story I am about to share. It is one of the most embarrassing experiences I have had thus far. During my junior year of high school, I signed up to try out for PALS (Peer Assistance and Leadership) to mentor younger girls. I went through everything required to try out. Then I was told that I wasn't selected. I was surprised and disappointed. The PALS Sponsor approached me about it. She said that I wasn't selected because there was a rumor that I was pregnant, which would not be a good role model for younger girls. I immediately started crying because I was not pregnant. After clearing up this awful situation, I was accepted as a PAL. What makes it even more embarrassing is that I had no idea who or how many of the senior PALS thought I was pregnant. Obviously it was discussed since that is the reason I was initially not accepted. I am glad that I never knew who or how many people talked about this, but it made me initially very nervous to participate in all of the PALS activities. Luckily, no one ever said anything else to me about it.

During my freshman year of college, I worked hard to keep the weight off and feared the "freshman 15". I lived on campus, right across from the rec center. Both of my roommates that year were also in to working out so I gained minimal weight. I also walked around campus that year (Texas Tech is huge) without riding the bus so I remained active. During my sophomore year, I lived off campus, went through some stressful things, was full-time in school, and waiting tables at a delicious Mexican food restaurant. I also started drinking more...and a lot. That year is when I started to yo-yo with gaining and losing.

I don't know how many times after college that I have been asked the "when are you due?" question. I've been asked at grocery stores, while shopping for clothes (which sucks anyway), and at work by co-workers. When I was pregnant with Brynlee, I did not go out of my way to tell co-workers at the school. I was not close to any of them anyway. When I was 7th months pregnant, a teacher said that she heard rumors that I was pregnant. I said that I am and she had the nerve to say that I do not look pregnant and she just thought that I had gained weight. Thank you. 

I cannot count every time I have been asked this question, but I can remember the majority of the conversations and I can completely remember the feelings. I was just asked this question the other day by a colleague. I then had to deal with the embarrassment on HER face when I should have been more worried about myself.

Earlier this summer, I was doing very well with eating and increasing activity. I even lost weight (not fast enough!). Then work got BUSY. Financial Aid starts to get busy around June and doesn't let up until October. Then it starts to get busy again in November with Spring registration. I was swamped and exhausted. I accidentally slipped back into old habits. Skipping meals because I was just too busy, overeating to deal with stress, easy/quick unhealthy meals or fast food, and just feeling too exhausted for much of anything. I obviously started to gain back some of the weight I lost in the early part of the summer.

I don't even really want to talk about how a fat woman can't go to the doctor without her weight being the central focus of the visit. I had to see my doctor in September because I had strep throat. Lady, treat me for step. Sure, she did that. But she also had to point out how much weight I had gained since my 2/2016 Wellness Check. Thank you for reminding me as if most fat women don't weight themselves frequently enough to notice the gain. Geez. When I saw her again for my wellness check this last weekend, it was again the topic of discussion. I tell her how I am not sleeping well at all. I am exhausted. I am drained. She asks me if I am exercising. No, not really. I feel crappy and between work, school, and kids--I feel like I have little time for myself. She tells me to exercise and eat less. Okay, thanks Captain Obvious. Then tells me that she wants me to lose 20-25 lbs by my wellness check next year. Okay, I'll do my best, thanks.

With a history of gestational diabetes (twice) and a family history of Type 2 diabetes, I am very high risk. I had some lab work done recently and luckily, I still do not have diabetes, but I am in the high risk zone. I am still waiting for some other test results to hopefully help answer some questions, but I have to get rid of THIS. I have to drastically decrease my chances of developing such a horrible disease. I want to live long!

I am not sharing this to make anyone feel sorry for me. I am primarily documenting this for two reasons: 1.) Help myself realize how important my health is and how these comments make me feel and 2.) To encourage people to only ask a woman when she is due or what she is having if you know 200% that she is pregnant. Some ways you may know if a woman is pregnant...
*She says she is pregnant

*She talks about her due date

*She talks about pregnancy or baby stuff

Other than that, don't ask her. It is extremely hurtful.

I am down 7 lbs from my highest weight ever so that is more motivating than if I were to re-start at a higher weight. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. It is easier with a support system that I don't really have, but I am in this for myself and my kids.