Tired.

Lately I have had multiple people ask me, "What's wrong?" and tell me they are concerned about me. I have had well-meaning friends private message, text message, and call me to express concern. I, of course, never want my friends and family to worry about me so I figure this will be a good way to let everyone know "what's wrong".

I'm tired. The end. Just kidding.

1.) Makenna. It's hard adjusting to having a "new" baby after having just Brynlee for 3.5 years. Brynlee is very independent (always has been). Makenna is...not. Brynlee had no issues with sleeping. I thought maybe I forgot what it was like when Brynlee was a baby, but she was super easy. Makenna has to be held and snuggled. She's also a very light sleeper. I have to do ninja moves to get away from her once she is asleep. Makenna is still nursing multiple times a night. I am tired of people suggesting that I just give her formula. I am tired of people offering advice. I don't ask for it so don't give it. She was waking up once around 3-3:30am to "dream feed". Then she started sleeping until around 5am multiple times a week. She stopped and is back to waking up multiple times. Brynlee would (and still does) play alone a lot. She was content to sit in her pack 'n play surrounded by toys or play on her play mat. Makenna just recently (last week) started to sit on her play mat by herself and fiddle with toys. Makenna has to be able to see me at all times. Brynlee is starting to feel neglected. It makes me sad because I don't want her to feel that way. Last night she begged to sleep in my bed as I was literally fighting Makenna to go back to sleep. I had a gazillion things to do before I could go to bed. Brynlee started crying and said that I always snuggle Makenna and never snuggle her. It broke my already emotional, overwhelmed heart. I had both girls in my bed last night. I woke up with a crick in my neck. Tired. I am tired.

2.) I am not working out. I feel so much better when I am working out, but I cannot seem to find the energy to get up and do it. If I am going to work out, it is going to have to be before work in the mornings. I work at 7:30am. So I need to get up at 4:45am in order to feed the baby, pump if needed, and get three girls ready in order to leave the house by 5:50am to get the girls to daycare at 6:00am. Then head to work to get to work by 6:15am so that I can get to the gym and start working out at about 6:30am. It's just not happening. I mean well. I try. I pack my gym bag. Lay out everything I will wear to work out. Then my alarm goes off after waking up with the baby and I just want to die. I feel like I will do better once the baby is sleeping longer stretches. I would work out in the evenings, but that is Makenna's worst time and I am the only one who can manage to settle her. Tired. I am tired.

3.) Work. I can't go into too much here and I don't really like to post about work on my blog. But it is stressful. I am the only "original" person who started the program two years ago. Friday is my two year anniversary with this agency. I am working with all new people. Out of three positions at my work site, we've had 6 people in the other two positions. I am working with our second Funds Coordinator (about to be third). Then we just expanded our program and hired three new positions as well. Our Director is new and I am working with my THIRD program manager. There are new unrealistic metrics, tons of changes, daily reporting of duties, and a lot of micromanagement that I am just not used to. I am the type who does my job. I do what I have to do to the best of my abilities. I pride myself on my work ethic and doing whatever I can to get my job done. But nothing is ever the same around here. My program is also not good at slowly rolling out changes. They just bombard you with a ton of changes at once and want everything implemented. We have way too many "how are you feeling" meetings that are just time wasters. All of the extra meetings take away from my daily duties with my clients. I was offered a "promotion" that has not happened. Before I rant too much, I'll leave it at that. Tired. I am tired.

4.) Family drama. Half of my already small family is not speaking to each other. There's five of us. You would think a family who already lost an important family member (my dad) would pull together and have a strong bond. No, apparently that is too much to ask. 3,534 people died in car crashes in Texas in the year 2014. 3,534. That's a lot. I would hate for something to happen to one of us and this be the way we go out. It's taking a toll on me. Again, I won't post too much here. Tired. I am tired.

5.) Friendship. I've always had close friends. Best friends. This is a piece that is missing for me. Yes, I have friends. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I miss having the types of girlfriends who I can call at any time. Friends who just come over and hang out. Friends who lean on me and let me lean on them. I feel like I am bottling up a lot of the stress I am under. I don't have anyone to talk to. I know friendship changes in adulthood especially with kids. But that doesn't change the fact that I feel like a big piece of my life is missing. These days, I feel like I have to find friends who have husbands who will get along with my husband. That's too much pressure, haha! I joined a book club with other Moms. I went to the first meet up and the first monthly meeting. Since then, we've had things to do on Book Club night that have prevented me from attending. I really want to go and hopefully connect with some of the Moms. I miss my college friends. I am lonely. Tired. I am tired.

These are the main areas in my life where I am currently struggling. I feel like I can't get it all together. So the next time you wonder why I am not smiling or why I seem frustrating, just know that I am tired.