Tired.

Lately I have had multiple people ask me, "What's wrong?" and tell me they are concerned about me. I have had well-meaning friends private message, text message, and call me to express concern. I, of course, never want my friends and family to worry about me so I figure this will be a good way to let everyone know "what's wrong".

I'm tired. The end. Just kidding.

1.) Makenna. It's hard adjusting to having a "new" baby after having just Brynlee for 3.5 years. Brynlee is very independent (always has been). Makenna is...not. Brynlee had no issues with sleeping. I thought maybe I forgot what it was like when Brynlee was a baby, but she was super easy. Makenna has to be held and snuggled. She's also a very light sleeper. I have to do ninja moves to get away from her once she is asleep. Makenna is still nursing multiple times a night. I am tired of people suggesting that I just give her formula. I am tired of people offering advice. I don't ask for it so don't give it. She was waking up once around 3-3:30am to "dream feed". Then she started sleeping until around 5am multiple times a week. She stopped and is back to waking up multiple times. Brynlee would (and still does) play alone a lot. She was content to sit in her pack 'n play surrounded by toys or play on her play mat. Makenna just recently (last week) started to sit on her play mat by herself and fiddle with toys. Makenna has to be able to see me at all times. Brynlee is starting to feel neglected. It makes me sad because I don't want her to feel that way. Last night she begged to sleep in my bed as I was literally fighting Makenna to go back to sleep. I had a gazillion things to do before I could go to bed. Brynlee started crying and said that I always snuggle Makenna and never snuggle her. It broke my already emotional, overwhelmed heart. I had both girls in my bed last night. I woke up with a crick in my neck. Tired. I am tired.

2.) I am not working out. I feel so much better when I am working out, but I cannot seem to find the energy to get up and do it. If I am going to work out, it is going to have to be before work in the mornings. I work at 7:30am. So I need to get up at 4:45am in order to feed the baby, pump if needed, and get three girls ready in order to leave the house by 5:50am to get the girls to daycare at 6:00am. Then head to work to get to work by 6:15am so that I can get to the gym and start working out at about 6:30am. It's just not happening. I mean well. I try. I pack my gym bag. Lay out everything I will wear to work out. Then my alarm goes off after waking up with the baby and I just want to die. I feel like I will do better once the baby is sleeping longer stretches. I would work out in the evenings, but that is Makenna's worst time and I am the only one who can manage to settle her. Tired. I am tired.

3.) Work. I can't go into too much here and I don't really like to post about work on my blog. But it is stressful. I am the only "original" person who started the program two years ago. Friday is my two year anniversary with this agency. I am working with all new people. Out of three positions at my work site, we've had 6 people in the other two positions. I am working with our second Funds Coordinator (about to be third). Then we just expanded our program and hired three new positions as well. Our Director is new and I am working with my THIRD program manager. There are new unrealistic metrics, tons of changes, daily reporting of duties, and a lot of micromanagement that I am just not used to. I am the type who does my job. I do what I have to do to the best of my abilities. I pride myself on my work ethic and doing whatever I can to get my job done. But nothing is ever the same around here. My program is also not good at slowly rolling out changes. They just bombard you with a ton of changes at once and want everything implemented. We have way too many "how are you feeling" meetings that are just time wasters. All of the extra meetings take away from my daily duties with my clients. I was offered a "promotion" that has not happened. Before I rant too much, I'll leave it at that. Tired. I am tired.

4.) Family drama. Half of my already small family is not speaking to each other. There's five of us. You would think a family who already lost an important family member (my dad) would pull together and have a strong bond. No, apparently that is too much to ask. 3,534 people died in car crashes in Texas in the year 2014. 3,534. That's a lot. I would hate for something to happen to one of us and this be the way we go out. It's taking a toll on me. Again, I won't post too much here. Tired. I am tired.

5.) Friendship. I've always had close friends. Best friends. This is a piece that is missing for me. Yes, I have friends. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I miss having the types of girlfriends who I can call at any time. Friends who just come over and hang out. Friends who lean on me and let me lean on them. I feel like I am bottling up a lot of the stress I am under. I don't have anyone to talk to. I know friendship changes in adulthood especially with kids. But that doesn't change the fact that I feel like a big piece of my life is missing. These days, I feel like I have to find friends who have husbands who will get along with my husband. That's too much pressure, haha! I joined a book club with other Moms. I went to the first meet up and the first monthly meeting. Since then, we've had things to do on Book Club night that have prevented me from attending. I really want to go and hopefully connect with some of the Moms. I miss my college friends. I am lonely. Tired. I am tired.

These are the main areas in my life where I am currently struggling. I feel like I can't get it all together. So the next time you wonder why I am not smiling or why I seem frustrating, just know that I am tired.

Updates on Brynlee

Brynlee has grown so much in so many ways. She has a huge personality. She is full of sass. It can be SO frustrating. I see so much of myself in her. She is so smart and funny. She's sensitive and caring. She is so motherly. She will be 4 (!!) in 3 months. She tells me things all the time like, "I don't like broccoli because I am 3. When I turn 4, I will like broccoli." Where she gets these things, I am unsure. :)

Brynlee started dance class in February. She takes a combo ballet/tap class for 30 minutes and then a 30 minute tumbling class right after. She LOVES it. There's only about 5 girls in the class, ages 3 and 4. She has a dance recital on June 6th. I hope that she dances and doesn't get too shy. I can't wait to see her dances. The parents don't watch their dance classes because the girls don't participate as much if the parents are watching. So I haven't seen her dance yet. Their costumes just came in and I cannot wait to see her dance around in them. Their ballet song is, "We Are The Dinosaurs". I don't have a good picture of the costume, but it has a ruffle butt! :) Her tap song is, "Never Smile At A Crocodile" from Peter Pan. Joey took her to dance last week and sent me this picture of her in her crocodile costume! ::wub::

I love holidays because I love buying holiday outfits and dresses. Brynlee wears dresses often, but not big party dresses. I found this gorgeous purple dress (her favorite color) on clearance at Target. She couldn't wait to wear it. Then I just paired it with a simple white cardigan and found the bow at Wal-Mart, also on clearance. :) I love that she still lets me dress her up. She will wear whatever I lay out for her. Sometimes she has something specific she wants to wear or I will hold up two items and have her choose one. But for the most part, she just lets me dress her up. She's pretty easygoing. I took a few snap shots of her over Easter in her fancy dress. At first, she just wanted to show off her dress as if she was going to the ball or something. So I asked her to just stand there and this is the face I got...

HAHAHA! She is a mess. Then I told her I was going to send that mean muggin' face to her grandparents so she started laughing. I love getting pictures of her natural smile.

I bought some curlers and it took forever to curl her long hair! But it's so pretty and it stayed for a while. She is cursed with my straight hair. I was surprised the curl turned out great. :)

When I was on leave, I had Brynlee home with me as well. Some days, it was hard. I would be up all night with a baby and then up early with my early bird. But she did great. Sometimes she would wake up, get her iPad, and just lay in bed and watch videos or play games. I don't mind her using the iPad frequently because she has a good mix of educational and just fun. She loves the game where she traces letters. This girl loves the alphabet. She loves to sing. She loves to dance. She is such a charmer. She was SO helpful to me when I was on leave. I took her on a date to Starbucks one day. I got her a hot chocolate. She did NOT like it. She tried it and it was hot (I warned her). Then once it cooled down, she still wouldn't try it even though I told her it wasn't hot anymore.

She looks so grown up! We are growing out her bangs and I think that makes her look even older. *tear* She's such a diva, too.

She tells me every day that she loves Makenna. She was having a hard time at daycare because she wanted to go see her sister every day multiple times a day. I mean, she was at home with her for 12 weeks and now they are separated for 9 hours a day. She had a hard time adjusting. I was glad to hear that her daycare teachers would let her see her sister (not every time though). We finally agreed that she can see her sister ONCE a day. She also goes with me in the morning to drop Makenna off in the nursery so she hugs and kisses her then. And I always pick up Brynlee first so she can go with me to get Makenna. She loves it. She sings to her. She shows her different toys. She talks to her all the time. She loves snuggling with her. I love the way Brynlee loves her. I hope they forever have a strong bond and relationship.

We recently had some storms and lost power. As we sat in the dark, Brynlee played on her iPad. She could only play certain games since we didn't have the internet. I didn't get a picture because my phone was dead, but she fell asleep face first on her iPad. It was hilarious. Then the next night, I go to take a shower and come out to find this...

That girl is so easy to put to bed. Most of the time, she puts herself to bed, lol. Here's a picture of Brynlee and her Daddy (pre-shave) over the weekend. It was a gorgeous day so we were sitting outside eating tacos with friends.

I love this girl.