Mommy Guilt

Busy, Busy, Busy. Things sure have been busy lately. I started my new job on August 7th and I LOVE it. Just love it. I love my supervisor, my co-workers, the company and other employees, the campus I'm at...everything (except my tiny cubicle). I am not typically the type of person who says, "God has a plan" because I don't really believe that but it's kind of hard not to say that right now. I feel like someone must have just known this was the perfect job for me and that's why I didn't get any of the other jobs I interviewed for. *shrugs* It's easy to agree with that notion when everything is turning out right instead of wrong. Either way, as Brynlee would say, "Happy happy happy!"

Speaking of Brynlee, she is finally starting to kinda sorta a little bit warm up to daycare/school. I started her in daycare on August 5th so she could start getting used to the routine before I had to go to work. The last 2 weeks have been awful. She screams, cries, and clings to me. When I drop her off, she screams, "No I don't want it!" She gets so upset. Then when I pick her up, she runs to me crying. On her first day, I cried after I dropped her off. I didn't cry because I didn't want to leave her at school. I cried because she was so terrified. She did not want me to leave her and there I was doing exactly what she didn't want me to do. Leaving her with kids and teachers that she didn't know. We did visit the facility twice before she started going there full-time, but her little 2 year old mind didn't seem to remember that. All she was focused on was that I was leaving her and probably never coming back. I only left her there for a few hours while I cleaned house and started getting things ready to start working. Then the next day was the exact same way. And the next...and the next...

I have completely slacked off on running. I have such "Mommy Guilt" about her being so upset every day. (Yes, it's really. I have done lots of googling about the way I have been feeling about leaving her to do something for myself.) When I get home, I just want to hang out with her and reassure her that school is fun, Mommy HAS to go to work, and that I will always come get her. For the first week, she was GLUED to me from the moment I picked her up until the moment we went to bed. She has been cranky, emotional, and super grumpy. Her teachers said that she cries off and on all day long. Sometimes she just sits by herself at a table. Other times she sits on the floor and cries. They said she plays with toys here and there and only plays with a couple of the kids in her class. Then when other kids start getting picked up, she starts saying she wants to go home and asks where her mommy and daddy are. I know that she will be fine and it is taking time for her to get used to being in school again. Now she is at the age where she realizes that I can leave her (and vice versa) and that worries a little 2 year old mind.

Today was a little bit better. She was happy and talkative in the car on the way to school. We kept talking about Baby Laynea. We FINALLY get to see my new niece. My sister, her husband, and baby Laynea will be in Texas today! Brynlee is so excited to see Baby Laynea. She was talking about seeing the baby, Noni, Papa, Shelby, Cody and then she'd say, "Who else?" Ashley, Mark...then I'd have to tell her that Ashley and Mark won't be here. So she'd repeat her list of people that she gets to see tonight. :) She's so smart. When I dropped her off, I was telling her to tell her friends about Baby Laynea. It helped keep her calm, but she started crying when I started walking away. :( But at least she wasn't crying when we pulled up to school. Baby steps.

So hopefully she is starting to warm up to school and I can feel good about having my "me time" back. I just can't seem to shake the guilty feeling. I feel like I am away from her all day long and she just wants to spend time with me after work and school. I am happy to say that I haven't gained though because I am still doing pretty well (not perfect) with my eating. My weight has been fluctuating between 199.6-200.4 since I started working again. So I know my weight will start going back down as soon as I get back into running!

Okay, that's a nice little update so now I've got to get some work done!

Weigh-in Wednesday and BB's birthday

Maybe you've noticed (or maybe you haven't) that I've been a tad MIA lately. My last post was exactly a week ago! What! I had my daughter's 2nd birthday party on Saturday. It was so much fun! She is obsessed with Minnie Mouse right now so we had a Minnie themed park party. It's a nice park with a big, very little kid friendly playground. I rented the pavilion so we had a nice shaded area to play. We had food, a piñata, and good company. Brynlee was VERY good and had a blast. She was asleep in the car almost as soon as we left and then slept for 4.5 hours after that! I ate poorly on Saturday (hot dogs, cream cheese tortilla roll ups, a cupcake, and lots of diet coke) and then I ate poorly on Sunday as well. I don't know what the deal was. I've been in a little bit of a funk because I found out, again, that I didn't get a job that I thought I really wanted. I am still not always able to get over the negative emotions and do something positive. I've been tracking my calories since then, but I am embarrassed to say that the last time I ran was last Tuesday. I weighed myself on Sunday and saw a HUGE jump on the scale. So even though I haven't exercised in quite a few days, I needed to get back to water drinking and good food eating. It's really hard to post about the hard times, ya know? It's so much easier to share success than failure. Here's just a few pictures from her party. :)

 

Brynlee Mouse

Her new ride

Daddy, Mommy, and the birthday girl

Her new Minnie chair

Bubbles!

Cupcake!

Daddy did that, haha

Loves balloons!

 

Moving on to Weigh-In Wednesday...

Starting Weight 6/10/13: 205
Last Week: 200.2
This Week: 199.8
+/-: (-0.4)

Total Loss: (-5.2 lbs)

 

Progress! Now I HAVE to keep that number under 200! I just have to. It has taken me 7 weeks to lose those 5.2 pounds. I am not losing as fast as some people do, but that is fine with me. I am just happy to lose. :) I honestly thought I was going to have a dreaded, "I gained 5 lbs" post after my ridiculous weekend and celebrating with Mexican food last night...

What were we celebrating? MY JOB OFFER! Whoo hoo! Yes friends, I finally have a job offer. I am so excited and happy. I just happened to check my e-mail around 10am yesterday and saw an offer in my inbox. The salary is a few thousand more than I was making at my old job, too so now both Joey and I are making more money. I had to go do a drug test yesterday and fax my signed letter of acceptance. Now I have to wait until my results come back for both my drug test and background check (no problems with either of those). Then my supervisor will call me to tell me my official start date. My offer letter said "on or about August 5th". So I have to go turn in the paperwork to sign Brynlee up for daycare. I already called to make sure they have a spot for her. Now I just have to turn in the paperwork and pay for next week. It's going to be bittersweet sending her off to daycare again. It's good for her, it's good for me. I just know that I will miss her a little ;) I have been home with her every day since mid-March. She is used to being home with me even if she gets a little bored sometimes. She is VERY social so I know she will love going back to "school".

 

Joey has a softball game tonight at 6 then I am going to go run after that. I had a drama queen meltdown last night when Paige and I were going to go to the gym because my Garmin strap broke. Uhhhh, meltdown! I am so used to wearing my watch when I run. I feel like I wasted a workout if I don't have it, lol. I know, drama. I am going to superglue the buckle to the strap so I hope it works until I can order a new strap. But yes, I HAVE to run tonight. I just have to! I can't let that 199.8 creep back up!

 

As always, I am linking up with these fabulous ladies so go check 'em out.



 

Happy Wednesday ya'll!